On the Outside looking in

                                     On the Outside Looking In: A CentroNuclear Perspective

by: manny Newman

There is a Culture of Disability.There is a Disability Rights Movement.

There is a growing community of persons with disabilities, Lawyers, Doctors, Artists, Actors, Advocates, Poets, Prophets, and Spokespersons

Each sharing thoughts, ideas, and resources.

And I walk on alone. On the Outside looking in.

Every few years I remind a (doctor) gatekeeper,

that I deserve a special blue parking stall.

So that elderly people can sneer at me in disgust

whenever I shop, sure that I obtained my placard from a family member or friend.

And I walk on alone. On the Outside looking in.

Friends from High School generously offer

their services as my official care-giver.

Every harvest is either mysteriously taken by 'teenagers from down the street',

or succumbs to spider-mites or aphids.

And I walk on alone. On the Outside looking in.

When I was recovering from my muscle biopsy

last November, I attended classes the day after surgery

I borrowed a wheelchair for two weeks because I JUST COULDN'T WALK

People acknowledged me in public.

Strangers smiled. Children waved.

I finally fit into a category acceptable by society.

I was a wheelchair-bound, person with a disability.

I was a handicap.

Crippled.

Now, sad to say, I've recovered from my surgery.

I endure muscle fatigue, weakness, pain, cramps, spasms, and even muscle failure.

I greet my brothers and sisters whenever I see them

my greeting is met with a blank stare, a confused smile

or an arrogant turning away. They're eyes all say the same thing “you're not one of us”

And I walk on Alone. On the Outside looking in.

missing JAH...

it's a little after 2 am and I still can't sleep.  It's been over 4 months now since I've seen my son.  They say that once you post something online, it's there permanently.  Maybe one day my son will read this and he'll understand.

I haven't been the perfect father to my son, I will be the first to admit that. But that doesn't change the fact that not a day goes by without me thinking about my children.  Growth and learning are both life-long practices. 

Not being able to see Jaysen over the past 4 months has made me realize just how blessed I am to have a son like him.  He is intelligent, bright, energetic, strong-willed, and incredibly resilient.  If I could instill one value in my son that I haven't yet explained to him, it would be that something can be learned from everything.  I hope that he understands that he's got not one, but two extended family networks and that every member of both families loves him and values him.

I know that every parent holds an impossible dream in their heart, secretly believing that they can somehow shelter and protect their children from every possible evil and danger that the world holds.  From the bumps and bruises they invariably get as they learn how to skateboard, bike, and roller-blade, to the broken bones and sprained ankles that are bound to occur in High School  Athletic Programs.

I didn't understand all of the sacrifices that my father made for me, until I became a father myself and my real life began.

2-9-2012